dearest you.

dearest you.
Current mood: sad

i just wanted to let you know that we are fine. the kids ask about you everyday. jordan wants to know where dan is. luckily, his father is already a constant absence in his life, so you being gone is normal to him. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt him. I thought he would have forgotten you, like I wish I could. But I had taken my three year old's intelligence for granted because he does remmember you. And miss you. Just like I do. Just like April does. Not a day goes by where she doesn't ask where Dan went. You didn't just walk out on me, you walked out on my family. You affected us with your abandonment. I can't believe you turned out to be the guy that doesn't even call to see how the kids are. Is it because she won't let you? i wish things were different. I wish I didn't love you so much. It hurts everyday. Even on the days where I feel like I'm finally starting to get a handle on my own life, move on, not feel this pain anymore, I still miss you. I love my new boyfriend, he is amazing, but he is still just someone that is second best. I will never find love like you ever again. And that's ok. Better to have loved and lost, i suppose. But I just want you to know, that we are ok. Even though you left us, hurt us, and still to this day, a year and a half later when I thought we'd be married by now, I am still crying over you.

Have a great life.

Honestly.

Current mood: discontent

Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be the girl I want to be. The one with the sweet, kind laugh who encourages you through the worst of times. The one whose frame is fragile, yet, soul is strong. For I am always right, even when I'm wrong.

I don't know if i'll be the one to listen and soothe, comfort and caress like a mother to a newborn. I don't know if I can be that girl. Perfect without having to be told how.

I'm not in a place where I am able to even express the inner workings of me. But I know it must be bad. He left because of it. And I see it in you, now, too. I am not strong. I am not any of those things that make up that woman I wish to be. I am sad, lonely, and pathetic in my search for what is right in front of me, but you see, I'll never be able to find it, unless its on my own.

the complications of liz.

Current mood: desolate

i dont even know where to start. i've been trying to find what it is that goes on inside of my brain that complicates things to the point of nonexistence. i constantly pull and tear and pick apart the things around me, desperately yearning for control of all around me. i'm not an easy person to be around. i know that from experience. and in this realization of what it is that i have become, i have learned that i am better off alone.

i am damaged. i am not worthy of your love. i will just destroy it and you and everything in between. see, that's all i know how to do. i can love and live but only if i can destroy everything good in my life in the process. i know im not a great person. i know i am confusing and complicated and that is why i'm better off alone. i honestly think that i'll never be able to find anyone that could ever be able to put up with my bullshit but be able to take my breath away in the process. im not meant to be in a relationship. i know that now. i'm sorry to hurt you, but it is my nature.

i haven't always been like this. there was a time when i was loving and caring and sincere. i had dreamt of a life with someone caring and being able to give them everything they desired in return. for awhile i was able to do that with dan and bruce. but after being tortured, abused, abandoned and stripped down to every ounce of any kind of humanity left within myself i have realized that i am not ever going to be fixed. there is so much more to me than you could even comprehend at this time. you aren't ready to be with me. and i'm not ever going to be ready to be with anyone.

you have a lot of growing up to do. and i have a lot of growing up to do. and a lot of providing for my kids since i will never be that perfect housewife/soccer mom. im going to be the neurotic, crazy, emotional, and sometimes bi-polar person that God created me to be.

i am a creature unlike any other and I am ready and willing to accept that. im not a good person. im not a bad person. but im not ever going to be anything but abnormal in the sense of what "people" are.

this probably doesn't make any sense to you and it doesnt have to. but this is me. 100% poured out onto the screen for you to see what my mind does, where it goes, what it looks like and why i can't grasp it. i can't continue trying to please you when i can't please myself. i wont ever change. i've tried, but i hear the same things from you that i heard from dan and i know now that i am far too broken to be fixed. i am a mess. a big, ugly, beautiful broken mess.