Truth

Sunday was the first time i had gone to church in a long time. After being involved so deeply in a community and church that I called home for many years, to turn around and be burned by the most powerful person there was almost like a direct slap in the face from the Big Man, himself. At a time when I was wishing to belong, longing to learn about Jesus and God's truth, I was found weak and pushed down, kicked off the wagon of hope by those that carried the cross to the top of the mountain. I was no longer part of them. I was just an outsider. Friends became aquaintences and eventually enemies. Love was lost and broken, pushing me away like a tidal wave. I was no longer on the same island of hope as my peers were, i was pushed to a new foreign land where everything I had learned before and believed in no longer made sense. I was alone, forced to find my way out.

I did the first thing I knew how to do. I went to the bar and got drunk with my friends. Pretty soon my weekends were being filled with parties and new "friends" get togethers, all day parties that lasted until 3 or 4 am. I remember thinking "As long as I'm with these people, my heart wont hurt so much and I wont think about Dan any more." That was only half true, due to the fact that every where we went, there Dan was with the bitch that stole him from me. For the next few months, i did nothing but party with these people. Every weekend was dedicated to drinking: pre-drink at Lisa's, taxi to Rita's, Party till they kick us out, after party--- wherever? Hangover Saturday, taco-bell cure. Soon enough, we were up and roaring and ready to go for round two.

Amazingly through this new way of living, I had found some pretty awesome people that have stayed by my side for many years through all the mistakes and hurdles and accomplishes I have made. I met them at a church through a mutual friend and to this day we still hang out and party together. Church was their main thing. Thats where I met them, after all. I would go for awhile, then stop. Then a year later I'd pop in at christmas time. I would bounce around sonoma county looking for the right kind of place that I wanted to be in. I was still raw from being burned so severely by NVC that I was weary to really give myself over fully. Tim and Valarie both stayed by my side through it all. They would invite me places or to events at the church and then just let me decide if it was something I had wanted. They never pushed it on me or forced me to see things in their way. They understood that a relationship with christ is the most intimate relationship you will ever have with another being and to be ready deep down inside to take on that responsibility of living that kind of life with through that relationship, takes time and patience, especially on the other person's behave. While we are waiting for someone to be saved, the best thing you can do is offer your services, stay by them like you normally would, and let them figure out what's best for themselves. Tim and Valarie are the two human beings on this planet that have never left my side, never turned away from my mistakes, never made me feel like I wasn't loved by them. They have helped me more than anybody else I know and for me to sit here and wonder how it is I even made it back to christ? it's easy as this: Tim knew I was going through the loss and pain of losing a dear friend to addiction. She is still alive, but our friendship has passed on. When talking to Tim about finding real friends, good hearted, giving, warm, friends that wont take you for granted, leave you crying on your birthday, make you pick them up from a mental hospital that they were checked in to the weekend of your wedding because they tried to kill themselves instead of be there for you on your perfect day-thats when i realized I needed to go back to church. And Tim said, in his simple "tim tone" as i call it, "You can always come with me and Val". simple, right? and so i did. The very next sunday, i showed up at 11:11 and was nervous, scared, nauseous, and paranoid. I felt like I was coming off a drug run or something. But I wasn't. I was preparing to let God back into my heart and help me find my church home where I belong. It was a struggle for me to even go in there, but when I did, i felt right. It felt like God called me there that day. There was a message for me.... it was simple, but beautiful and exactly what I needed to hear. His message to me was, "Good things are coming. Keep coming back". Just like that I realized I needed to be there the next weekend. And the weekend after. There is about to be big changes in my life and without God, I don't think my family will make it through them.

in closing, i just want to say something that the Pastor said that caught my attention. He says,

"Truth is about being made whole."

Think about that. The truth of the lord? The truth of life? The truth of who we are? These are definitely all things that I think of that make me whole. But what happens when we are not feeling whole, like we are missing something?

Lies.

The lies take away from the truth, which will never leave you whole.

In my life, the lies come from the outside. I want so badly to believe in others and trust in the ones I love, but lately have been burned and lied to so much that it has literally left me empty. I'm trying to find that wholeness again so that I can thrive and live each day in the way that the Lord created me to be. This fight is just beginning, and I already only can take on so much before I fall down.

I am on a journey of finding God, my way, his way, our way. Whatever my beliefs are I need to know that somewhere out there, there are people like me, struggling for the truth, seeking the right and demanding nothing less than what we deserve: freedom of being made whole.

After all....The truth shall set you free.