the complications of liz.

Current mood: desolate

i dont even know where to start. i've been trying to find what it is that goes on inside of my brain that complicates things to the point of nonexistence. i constantly pull and tear and pick apart the things around me, desperately yearning for control of all around me. i'm not an easy person to be around. i know that from experience. and in this realization of what it is that i have become, i have learned that i am better off alone.

i am damaged. i am not worthy of your love. i will just destroy it and you and everything in between. see, that's all i know how to do. i can love and live but only if i can destroy everything good in my life in the process. i know im not a great person. i know i am confusing and complicated and that is why i'm better off alone. i honestly think that i'll never be able to find anyone that could ever be able to put up with my bullshit but be able to take my breath away in the process. im not meant to be in a relationship. i know that now. i'm sorry to hurt you, but it is my nature.

i haven't always been like this. there was a time when i was loving and caring and sincere. i had dreamt of a life with someone caring and being able to give them everything they desired in return. for awhile i was able to do that with dan and bruce. but after being tortured, abused, abandoned and stripped down to every ounce of any kind of humanity left within myself i have realized that i am not ever going to be fixed. there is so much more to me than you could even comprehend at this time. you aren't ready to be with me. and i'm not ever going to be ready to be with anyone.

you have a lot of growing up to do. and i have a lot of growing up to do. and a lot of providing for my kids since i will never be that perfect housewife/soccer mom. im going to be the neurotic, crazy, emotional, and sometimes bi-polar person that God created me to be.

i am a creature unlike any other and I am ready and willing to accept that. im not a good person. im not a bad person. but im not ever going to be anything but abnormal in the sense of what "people" are.

this probably doesn't make any sense to you and it doesnt have to. but this is me. 100% poured out onto the screen for you to see what my mind does, where it goes, what it looks like and why i can't grasp it. i can't continue trying to please you when i can't please myself. i wont ever change. i've tried, but i hear the same things from you that i heard from dan and i know now that i am far too broken to be fixed. i am a mess. a big, ugly, beautiful broken mess.