over it.

Over It!

Does anyone know why men act the way they do? I mean really, I’m so tired of thinking i’ve got someone figured out to realize that they suck just as bad, if not worse, than the person before them!

I’m over it. I’m over men, over dating, over EVERYTHING. I would rather be ALONE for the REST OF MY LIFE and know that I can take care of myself than have to deal with another lie, another heartbreak, another waste of my precious time on this earth. If God really created us to be in unison then why are so many people alone?

Im sick of this shit.

I’m over it.

Truth.

Truth
Current mood: anxious

I never imagined I would look back at my life and honestly not know where I went wrong. A life of second guessing, questioning, and contemplating the eternal "what if" plagues me. Im a quarter century old, meaning I still haven't learned shit. Anytime I think I start to understand something I am quickly reminded of what truth lies ahead- a truth so dumbfoundedly simple yet intricately exhausting at the same time: I know nothing.

Based on this knowledge of nothingness I have decided to embark on life's journey with a new outlook, perceiving the world as a hypnotic, majystical creation for which it's soul purpose is to confuse the hell out of people, hurt people, and most of all, abandon people.

I am left alone in this infinite wisdom of brutal truth. The world knows nothing, as I know far less. My influences are pointless. My heroes, goals, accomplishments are nothing but mere fragments of what could have been, and what will never be.

Music seems to be the only thing that can grasp the realism of the world. It is ever changing, the beat being the soul, connecting one fragile note to the next. I am a fragile note, relying on the rest of the symphony to put me together, create a masterpeice that can never fail if played correctly.

Maybe I'm being too optimistic. There is so much hope in the human population, faith beyond recognition of its true form, a kindness that exhibits almost a cruel and unnusual punishment for those of us who understand the truth of the world. The truth being nothing.

my place in the sun.

May 12, 2008 - Monday

My Place in the Sun. Current mood: inspired A lot of my blogs have been depressing, this is because I was depressed. Go figure, huh? Well I can honestly say that right now in my life I have made room for the person who matters most to me, the person who has stayed by my side through everything and the one who will be with me until i die: Me. I never allowed myself the time to become the person I've always wanted to be. But I'm doing it now. No, I don't have a boyfriend. No, I don't want one. And yes, I am happy. I've been organizing my house, getting rid of excess junk that i've held on to for years and am ready to start living MY LIFE. Not just "Get by". Im living. REALLY LIVING!!!! I was heartbroken, it was hard. But it opened the door to me to see myself in a light that nobody else could have ever shown me. For that I am grateful. I really am happy that he found the one he deserves. They are actually really cute together and I'm OK with it now. He wasn't for me, how could I have known? I didnt know myself and I didnt know what I wanted. And now Im just super happy to be myself, even if it DOES get lonely. I always have my kids, the ones that matter to me most. They are my light, my beacon of hope. And they are pretty friggen hilarious too!!!! Partying? Im done. Living? I'm ready. Bring on the rain. :)

surgery.

Update
Current mood: contemplative

I figured I'd do another update since my surgery is fast approaching. I have a lot of changes going on in my life and I guess my surgery is the biggest one. I will be going to Sutter on Monday, June 9th for my procedure which will finally allow me to stop taking the heart medication that has made me gain weight; decrease my anxiety which the doctors are thinking the SVT could be a HUGE contributer to my anxiety this whole time; and most of all be able to get on with my life!!!!

I'm really nervous about the procedure which is totally normal, especially because this is my heart, but my Dad and Step Mom and Sister will be there to support me. I figure the rest is up to God and I need to have faith that this is going to make me healthier and happier in the long run.

As for work, I am not working right now. In fact, Im going back to Beauty School to finish up and get my Cosmetologist License. I will be starting at Redwood Empire Beauty College either in the August or September class. From there I should finish within about 8 months.

As for my living situation, I am going to be moving back home with my mom while i'm in school. School will be 30 hours a week, plus 15 hours of homework, which really doesnt leave me time for work after I figure in family/kid time.

Other than that, things are going okay. I guess all there is left to say is "Life is happening and I'm along for the ride".

Dreams.

Dream
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

I dream all sorts of dreams, sometimes even premonitions of a future event or happening. Most of the time I don't remember what I dream, but it's the dreams that I do remember that mean the most to me.

Before I met my ex, I dreamt about him for almost two years. I couldn't see his face, only his spirit. I knew when I met him that he was the one I was dreaming of and my dreams stopped.

Recently I started having dreams of this spirit again which makes me wonder, am I dreaming of a new spirit, a new soul to come in contact with me in the future? Or is this the same spirit that I've always dreamt of, perhaps mistaking Dan for the real thing?

These dreams I've had always give me hope, some kind of meaning of what direction my life is going. For instance, the other night I dreamt that I would be coming across some money that was owed to me. The next morning, the money came. Most of you may find this coincidental, but those of you that have known me long enough understand my ability to see things beyond this world and life.

Until recently I have kept my "abilities" close to heart for fear of being ridiculed or worse, not having anyone believe in me. It was when I started to hang around Lisa that my abilities became heightened. I am so much more in tune with myself, my life, my body, and all of nature around me. I believe that Lisa, as well, is feeling more in tune with her surroundings, thus bringing it out in each other.

But my premonitions are not always pleasant.I've always had nightmares. Most of the time my sleepy meds help with them and I'm able to sleep peacefully. Lately, that is not the case.

Last night and this afternoon (while taking a nap) I had two very similar dreams. I've had repetitive dreams in the past, but none like this. While the dreams were not in any way the same in definition, they were the same in theme; escape. I was trying to escape from a person in each dream, and both times my children were involved. Both dreams had awakened me with a start, leaving me feeling loss, fear, anxiety/panic, loss of control, and sadness. I logged these dreams in a journal hoping that I can make something of what I fear is yet to come.

For most of you that can't even fathom the idea of premonitions or psychic abilities, I understand and know what you are thinking. But this is something that I don't feel I need to prove to people anymore. You either believe me or you don't. Someday, we will all know the truth.

I don't always dream premonitions or dreams that I feel are a way of the universe connecting with me on some level. I have regular dreams, just like anyone else. But when I have these premonitions, it's different. The feelings are different, the energy is different, and most of all, my mood is drastically enhanced with whatever energy has emerged from this.

I am no expert on dreams. In fact it's probably something I should strongly research considering my situation. But I have a gut feeling that something is going to happen in my life. It doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to happen as it did in my dreams, it may not even be anything bad. But the universe is trying to tell me something. Since I am not able to see it conciously, I am being shown subconciously.

Who knows. Maybe nothing will happen and I will be proved wrong.

alive.

Alive.
Current mood: inspired

A million times over I thought you couldn't see. I was desolate, alone in this world of shit. This place rotting from it's very core, inside out. Nothing but madness sets the world ablaze.

I am frightened. Afraid of the dark place that resides inside of my heart. It haunts me every night, waiting patiently to overcome my body. Desire and dread, both plummeting my skull as my thoughts bounce from left brain to right.

I am drained.

But you found me.
You saw inside of my brain.
You shed light through the dark place inside of my heart.
You scared my fears away.

How do I thank you? Repay you for all you've done when you don't even know I'm alive?

You don't know that you've awoken me from a long, dark slumber filled with nightmares.

Once more, I live.

Swinging At Midnight.

Swinging At Midnight.

I am neutral. My opinons never matter, anyway. Why bother picking one side or another when I will surely be, once again, forced to proceed with whatever it is they want me to do?

I feel that somehow, somewhere deep inside of me, there is this amazing spirit. I have a gift that will help people. Ultimately, that is what I thrive to do- help. But a lost spirit is a playground for darkness. I've been swinging at midnight...

This wont make sense to you... and if it does, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you have to feel the way that I do.

Facade.

Facade
Current mood: angsty

Against the prickly cotton of my shirt, the sun burns my flesh. My eyes sting and my breath is sour from the dirt that surrounds this place. Red dirt. I have nothing to gain by being here, but I don't care. I'd rather die alone in this desolate existance than in a room full of empty souls. I could lie here and await the desperate hawks circling above to come and pick at my fried brains or I could walk on, through the valley of the shadow of death and meet my maker face to face. I weigh my options and opt to walk on. Past the mine feilds, through the desert of despair. I lick my cracked, sunburned lips and a sticky breeze finds me with a tongue full of earth, brought upon by the devil himself. I find myself at a crossroad with no street signs. That's what happens in hell, there are no signs anywhere because you don't exist. I turn left and stagger on in the blistering heat. Sweat drips from my pours and down the middle of my breasts pooling in the front of my bra. I've never been closer to death and for the most part, I don't really care. I'm not afraid. I'm not bitter. In fact I feel nothing as I walk on into the utterly deceiving facade called life.

Yours.

I found you. Where were you hiding? You seem lost. Are you scared? It was so long. I know that now. I promise this time will be different. This time I will save you. I won't let you go. How can I? You were there for me. I was lost. Now it's your turn. Your turn to break. Your turn to hurt. Your turn to cry. Turn to me. Let me be the one. I want to be yours.

Happy Fucking Birthday.

i made it through another day.
you're still gone... but i'm ok.

fuck you.
happy birthday

3 weeks.

3 weeks
Current mood: numb

Three weeks and im still alive. It comes and goes in waves, not as strong as it used to. I guess the medicine is working. I don't trust doctors anymore. I told them for months that I felt that way. But it still happened, didn't it?

I'm embarrassed. Saddened. Ashamed.

I'm also incredibly sorry.

I'm still here. Three weeks and I'm still here.

I guess I'm not going anywhere.

Disturbia.

Disturbia.
Current mood: angry

Sometime's I just don't understand men and they way they think. I spent years making mistake after mistake, man after man, only to realize they are all the same.

I've recently come in contact with someone from my past. A total innocent friendship was had, and now he's telling his girlfriend, MY BEST FRIENDS MOM, that he fucked me. Why would someone say that? How fucking white trash are we? It makes me SICK to think that someone would say that about me. I am NOT that person. I'm NOT a whore. I am not someone that can be USED anymore to MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

You want to know WHY I'm so fucked up and think the way I do??? BECAUSE LIFE HAS SHOWN ME NOTHING BUT DISTURBIA!!!!

TO ALL THE MEN OUT THERE: FUCK OFF!!!!!!!

I'm too fragile for this.

This makes me want to never wear make-up again. Never do my hair. Never take a shower. Never shave. Only wear clothes that are 3x too big for me. Never leave the house. Never talk to anyone.

You may think I'm being overdramatic and that is FINE. But this year has been the WORST FUCKING YEAR ever and I seriously CAN NOT take anymore. THIS is the straw and I AM THE CAMELS BACK.

SO THINK WHAT YOU WANT, DO WHAT YOU WILL. IM WRITING THIS BECAUSE ITS THE ONLY FUCKING THING THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME ANYMORE. WRITING IS THE ONE THING THAT NEVER HURT ME.

I am forever a pessimist and will no longer give a FUCK about what ANYONE thinks.

i am ok.

i am ok.
Current mood: determined

You can't use me anymore.
I am worth so much more than that.
I will stand my ground this time.
Say what you want,
Your words can't hurt me.
Think what you want,
Your thoughts don't scare me.
I am ready to fight this time.
No more excuses.
No more innocense lost.
I am not a victim anymore.
I am powerful,
Beautiful,
Smart,
And I will make it.
I am going to be ok.
I am ok.
I am.

Waterfalls.

Waterfalls.
Current mood: triumphant

"Don't go chasin waterfalls. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used too."- TLC

I don't know a single person that doesn't know that line to that song. I always thought that it was just a hook, a meaningless meaning to a meaningless song. But today, I have realized that my waterfalls are unchasable. It doesn't want to be chased, maybe never even found.

I can't chase the waterfalls anymore. And although i'm not going to stick to what i'm used to, i'm going to find a happy balance in between the two.

I will miss the waterfalls, for it is soothing.

But I love Cherry Blossoms more.

Stew.

Stew.
Current mood: melancholy
Category: Writing and Poetry

"Swallowed by a sea of interpretive indigestion, My mind is a series of events left to question."

The melancholy widow worships the grave he lies in. Day after day, night after night, she strokes his tombstone with her long and jagged fingertip. Her heart melts with the dawn of a new day, hoping she could lay in the casket burried deep beneath her island of despair. As night falls she weeps, dreaming only of his embrace, his patience, his undying heart that died only too soon.

Breathing is a sliver of hope, a lingered absense of all that has happened in her life. She feels nothing now, nothing more than anything. She wants to let go and love again, but her heart is made of black. A black wrought iron heart. You could cook a stew in this heart of hers, leaving nothing but a dirty mess to clean after she was left undeniably alone once again.

stew and loneliness.

the melancholy widow trads her beliefs and her purpose in life for a pair of empty wrought iron cauldrons.

for she is going to make stew.

Down.

down. (nicotine addiction)
Current mood: crazy

This is hell.
This incontrolable feeling.
This misery within.
It consumes me, swallows me, makes me burn within every inch of my body.
I am a crazy person begging for sanity.
I am a wild flower blossoming in the desert.
I am a thousand mistakes in one little vessel.
I am a hollow log drifting down the stream.
This feeling.
This...
This is hell.
I am in hell.
And I am going down.