random free write. english 1a style.

My english teacher would make us write for 5, sometimes 10 minutes straight. we couldn't stop to think about what we were writing and editing wasn't important. the process of getting your mind onto the paper was more important that the actual writing procedure itself. she never wanted that pen or pencil to stop and she always wanted us to keep writing even if our thoughts turned to dogs or popcorn or whatever it is that leads our thoughts to new directions. This technique i have found to be very useful at bringing up things that are hiding just under the surface of what may be going on in our lives that we are not fully ready or aware of. I like to be able to ramble and sometimes it doesnt make sense to anyone but me, but thats all that matters. its a writing lesson for me. it was one of the best writing tools i gained from her class. i miss her a lot. she was such a wonderful teacher. She had kids around the same age as mine and we bonded in a good way. i hope she knows that i think about her from time to time. im sure when i have my baby ill send her an email and let her know how things are doing. im ready to have this baby already. i still have 29 more days until the c-section and im not sure if i can make it that long. my body is barely making it through today, let alone 29 more of them. i ikeep praying to god to help me out, make me see his vision for me. i know the baby needs to stay in there to be healthier, but c'mon. who are we kidding? Kids born at 36 weeks are full term and can survive without any problems. they would have more stuff go wrong with them with the stuff they were exposed to in utero as opposed to the 2 weeks early they left the womb. i dont know what im saying, but i do know this. im done being pregnant. right now, i am giving my body over to this baby completely and whole heartedly. i have resigned, stepped down from the position, and am taking a leave of absence. i will return as soon as the baby deems he is ready for the final transition. till then, i will lie here and wait. the end.

Truth

Sunday was the first time i had gone to church in a long time. After being involved so deeply in a community and church that I called home for many years, to turn around and be burned by the most powerful person there was almost like a direct slap in the face from the Big Man, himself. At a time when I was wishing to belong, longing to learn about Jesus and God's truth, I was found weak and pushed down, kicked off the wagon of hope by those that carried the cross to the top of the mountain. I was no longer part of them. I was just an outsider. Friends became aquaintences and eventually enemies. Love was lost and broken, pushing me away like a tidal wave. I was no longer on the same island of hope as my peers were, i was pushed to a new foreign land where everything I had learned before and believed in no longer made sense. I was alone, forced to find my way out.

I did the first thing I knew how to do. I went to the bar and got drunk with my friends. Pretty soon my weekends were being filled with parties and new "friends" get togethers, all day parties that lasted until 3 or 4 am. I remember thinking "As long as I'm with these people, my heart wont hurt so much and I wont think about Dan any more." That was only half true, due to the fact that every where we went, there Dan was with the bitch that stole him from me. For the next few months, i did nothing but party with these people. Every weekend was dedicated to drinking: pre-drink at Lisa's, taxi to Rita's, Party till they kick us out, after party--- wherever? Hangover Saturday, taco-bell cure. Soon enough, we were up and roaring and ready to go for round two.

Amazingly through this new way of living, I had found some pretty awesome people that have stayed by my side for many years through all the mistakes and hurdles and accomplishes I have made. I met them at a church through a mutual friend and to this day we still hang out and party together. Church was their main thing. Thats where I met them, after all. I would go for awhile, then stop. Then a year later I'd pop in at christmas time. I would bounce around sonoma county looking for the right kind of place that I wanted to be in. I was still raw from being burned so severely by NVC that I was weary to really give myself over fully. Tim and Valarie both stayed by my side through it all. They would invite me places or to events at the church and then just let me decide if it was something I had wanted. They never pushed it on me or forced me to see things in their way. They understood that a relationship with christ is the most intimate relationship you will ever have with another being and to be ready deep down inside to take on that responsibility of living that kind of life with through that relationship, takes time and patience, especially on the other person's behave. While we are waiting for someone to be saved, the best thing you can do is offer your services, stay by them like you normally would, and let them figure out what's best for themselves. Tim and Valarie are the two human beings on this planet that have never left my side, never turned away from my mistakes, never made me feel like I wasn't loved by them. They have helped me more than anybody else I know and for me to sit here and wonder how it is I even made it back to christ? it's easy as this: Tim knew I was going through the loss and pain of losing a dear friend to addiction. She is still alive, but our friendship has passed on. When talking to Tim about finding real friends, good hearted, giving, warm, friends that wont take you for granted, leave you crying on your birthday, make you pick them up from a mental hospital that they were checked in to the weekend of your wedding because they tried to kill themselves instead of be there for you on your perfect day-thats when i realized I needed to go back to church. And Tim said, in his simple "tim tone" as i call it, "You can always come with me and Val". simple, right? and so i did. The very next sunday, i showed up at 11:11 and was nervous, scared, nauseous, and paranoid. I felt like I was coming off a drug run or something. But I wasn't. I was preparing to let God back into my heart and help me find my church home where I belong. It was a struggle for me to even go in there, but when I did, i felt right. It felt like God called me there that day. There was a message for me.... it was simple, but beautiful and exactly what I needed to hear. His message to me was, "Good things are coming. Keep coming back". Just like that I realized I needed to be there the next weekend. And the weekend after. There is about to be big changes in my life and without God, I don't think my family will make it through them.

in closing, i just want to say something that the Pastor said that caught my attention. He says,

"Truth is about being made whole."

Think about that. The truth of the lord? The truth of life? The truth of who we are? These are definitely all things that I think of that make me whole. But what happens when we are not feeling whole, like we are missing something?

Lies.

The lies take away from the truth, which will never leave you whole.

In my life, the lies come from the outside. I want so badly to believe in others and trust in the ones I love, but lately have been burned and lied to so much that it has literally left me empty. I'm trying to find that wholeness again so that I can thrive and live each day in the way that the Lord created me to be. This fight is just beginning, and I already only can take on so much before I fall down.

I am on a journey of finding God, my way, his way, our way. Whatever my beliefs are I need to know that somewhere out there, there are people like me, struggling for the truth, seeking the right and demanding nothing less than what we deserve: freedom of being made whole.

After all....The truth shall set you free.

happiness

happiness is being free. It's been a long time since i've written anything, and I think that is for the better. Life is insane right now. I've been forced to move and am currently in the middle of my 3rd semester of College which is turning out to be extremely stressful (and a bit repetitive). Someday i'll accomplish the things I want, but for now I have to just hang on to hope.

I'm not the person I used to be, thank God for that. :)

dearest you.

dearest you.
Current mood: sad

i just wanted to let you know that we are fine. the kids ask about you everyday. jordan wants to know where dan is. luckily, his father is already a constant absence in his life, so you being gone is normal to him. It doesn't mean it doesn't hurt him. I thought he would have forgotten you, like I wish I could. But I had taken my three year old's intelligence for granted because he does remmember you. And miss you. Just like I do. Just like April does. Not a day goes by where she doesn't ask where Dan went. You didn't just walk out on me, you walked out on my family. You affected us with your abandonment. I can't believe you turned out to be the guy that doesn't even call to see how the kids are. Is it because she won't let you? i wish things were different. I wish I didn't love you so much. It hurts everyday. Even on the days where I feel like I'm finally starting to get a handle on my own life, move on, not feel this pain anymore, I still miss you. I love my new boyfriend, he is amazing, but he is still just someone that is second best. I will never find love like you ever again. And that's ok. Better to have loved and lost, i suppose. But I just want you to know, that we are ok. Even though you left us, hurt us, and still to this day, a year and a half later when I thought we'd be married by now, I am still crying over you.

Have a great life.

Honestly.

Current mood: discontent

Honestly, I don't know if I'll ever be the girl I want to be. The one with the sweet, kind laugh who encourages you through the worst of times. The one whose frame is fragile, yet, soul is strong. For I am always right, even when I'm wrong.

I don't know if i'll be the one to listen and soothe, comfort and caress like a mother to a newborn. I don't know if I can be that girl. Perfect without having to be told how.

I'm not in a place where I am able to even express the inner workings of me. But I know it must be bad. He left because of it. And I see it in you, now, too. I am not strong. I am not any of those things that make up that woman I wish to be. I am sad, lonely, and pathetic in my search for what is right in front of me, but you see, I'll never be able to find it, unless its on my own.

the complications of liz.

Current mood: desolate

i dont even know where to start. i've been trying to find what it is that goes on inside of my brain that complicates things to the point of nonexistence. i constantly pull and tear and pick apart the things around me, desperately yearning for control of all around me. i'm not an easy person to be around. i know that from experience. and in this realization of what it is that i have become, i have learned that i am better off alone.

i am damaged. i am not worthy of your love. i will just destroy it and you and everything in between. see, that's all i know how to do. i can love and live but only if i can destroy everything good in my life in the process. i know im not a great person. i know i am confusing and complicated and that is why i'm better off alone. i honestly think that i'll never be able to find anyone that could ever be able to put up with my bullshit but be able to take my breath away in the process. im not meant to be in a relationship. i know that now. i'm sorry to hurt you, but it is my nature.

i haven't always been like this. there was a time when i was loving and caring and sincere. i had dreamt of a life with someone caring and being able to give them everything they desired in return. for awhile i was able to do that with dan and bruce. but after being tortured, abused, abandoned and stripped down to every ounce of any kind of humanity left within myself i have realized that i am not ever going to be fixed. there is so much more to me than you could even comprehend at this time. you aren't ready to be with me. and i'm not ever going to be ready to be with anyone.

you have a lot of growing up to do. and i have a lot of growing up to do. and a lot of providing for my kids since i will never be that perfect housewife/soccer mom. im going to be the neurotic, crazy, emotional, and sometimes bi-polar person that God created me to be.

i am a creature unlike any other and I am ready and willing to accept that. im not a good person. im not a bad person. but im not ever going to be anything but abnormal in the sense of what "people" are.

this probably doesn't make any sense to you and it doesnt have to. but this is me. 100% poured out onto the screen for you to see what my mind does, where it goes, what it looks like and why i can't grasp it. i can't continue trying to please you when i can't please myself. i wont ever change. i've tried, but i hear the same things from you that i heard from dan and i know now that i am far too broken to be fixed. i am a mess. a big, ugly, beautiful broken mess.

over it.

Over It!

Does anyone know why men act the way they do? I mean really, I’m so tired of thinking i’ve got someone figured out to realize that they suck just as bad, if not worse, than the person before them!

I’m over it. I’m over men, over dating, over EVERYTHING. I would rather be ALONE for the REST OF MY LIFE and know that I can take care of myself than have to deal with another lie, another heartbreak, another waste of my precious time on this earth. If God really created us to be in unison then why are so many people alone?

Im sick of this shit.

I’m over it.

Truth.

Truth
Current mood: anxious

I never imagined I would look back at my life and honestly not know where I went wrong. A life of second guessing, questioning, and contemplating the eternal "what if" plagues me. Im a quarter century old, meaning I still haven't learned shit. Anytime I think I start to understand something I am quickly reminded of what truth lies ahead- a truth so dumbfoundedly simple yet intricately exhausting at the same time: I know nothing.

Based on this knowledge of nothingness I have decided to embark on life's journey with a new outlook, perceiving the world as a hypnotic, majystical creation for which it's soul purpose is to confuse the hell out of people, hurt people, and most of all, abandon people.

I am left alone in this infinite wisdom of brutal truth. The world knows nothing, as I know far less. My influences are pointless. My heroes, goals, accomplishments are nothing but mere fragments of what could have been, and what will never be.

Music seems to be the only thing that can grasp the realism of the world. It is ever changing, the beat being the soul, connecting one fragile note to the next. I am a fragile note, relying on the rest of the symphony to put me together, create a masterpeice that can never fail if played correctly.

Maybe I'm being too optimistic. There is so much hope in the human population, faith beyond recognition of its true form, a kindness that exhibits almost a cruel and unnusual punishment for those of us who understand the truth of the world. The truth being nothing.

my place in the sun.

May 12, 2008 - Monday

My Place in the Sun. Current mood: inspired A lot of my blogs have been depressing, this is because I was depressed. Go figure, huh? Well I can honestly say that right now in my life I have made room for the person who matters most to me, the person who has stayed by my side through everything and the one who will be with me until i die: Me. I never allowed myself the time to become the person I've always wanted to be. But I'm doing it now. No, I don't have a boyfriend. No, I don't want one. And yes, I am happy. I've been organizing my house, getting rid of excess junk that i've held on to for years and am ready to start living MY LIFE. Not just "Get by". Im living. REALLY LIVING!!!! I was heartbroken, it was hard. But it opened the door to me to see myself in a light that nobody else could have ever shown me. For that I am grateful. I really am happy that he found the one he deserves. They are actually really cute together and I'm OK with it now. He wasn't for me, how could I have known? I didnt know myself and I didnt know what I wanted. And now Im just super happy to be myself, even if it DOES get lonely. I always have my kids, the ones that matter to me most. They are my light, my beacon of hope. And they are pretty friggen hilarious too!!!! Partying? Im done. Living? I'm ready. Bring on the rain. :)

surgery.

Update
Current mood: contemplative

I figured I'd do another update since my surgery is fast approaching. I have a lot of changes going on in my life and I guess my surgery is the biggest one. I will be going to Sutter on Monday, June 9th for my procedure which will finally allow me to stop taking the heart medication that has made me gain weight; decrease my anxiety which the doctors are thinking the SVT could be a HUGE contributer to my anxiety this whole time; and most of all be able to get on with my life!!!!

I'm really nervous about the procedure which is totally normal, especially because this is my heart, but my Dad and Step Mom and Sister will be there to support me. I figure the rest is up to God and I need to have faith that this is going to make me healthier and happier in the long run.

As for work, I am not working right now. In fact, Im going back to Beauty School to finish up and get my Cosmetologist License. I will be starting at Redwood Empire Beauty College either in the August or September class. From there I should finish within about 8 months.

As for my living situation, I am going to be moving back home with my mom while i'm in school. School will be 30 hours a week, plus 15 hours of homework, which really doesnt leave me time for work after I figure in family/kid time.

Other than that, things are going okay. I guess all there is left to say is "Life is happening and I'm along for the ride".

Dreams.

Dream
Current mood: contemplative
Category: Dreams and the Supernatural

I dream all sorts of dreams, sometimes even premonitions of a future event or happening. Most of the time I don't remember what I dream, but it's the dreams that I do remember that mean the most to me.

Before I met my ex, I dreamt about him for almost two years. I couldn't see his face, only his spirit. I knew when I met him that he was the one I was dreaming of and my dreams stopped.

Recently I started having dreams of this spirit again which makes me wonder, am I dreaming of a new spirit, a new soul to come in contact with me in the future? Or is this the same spirit that I've always dreamt of, perhaps mistaking Dan for the real thing?

These dreams I've had always give me hope, some kind of meaning of what direction my life is going. For instance, the other night I dreamt that I would be coming across some money that was owed to me. The next morning, the money came. Most of you may find this coincidental, but those of you that have known me long enough understand my ability to see things beyond this world and life.

Until recently I have kept my "abilities" close to heart for fear of being ridiculed or worse, not having anyone believe in me. It was when I started to hang around Lisa that my abilities became heightened. I am so much more in tune with myself, my life, my body, and all of nature around me. I believe that Lisa, as well, is feeling more in tune with her surroundings, thus bringing it out in each other.

But my premonitions are not always pleasant.I've always had nightmares. Most of the time my sleepy meds help with them and I'm able to sleep peacefully. Lately, that is not the case.

Last night and this afternoon (while taking a nap) I had two very similar dreams. I've had repetitive dreams in the past, but none like this. While the dreams were not in any way the same in definition, they were the same in theme; escape. I was trying to escape from a person in each dream, and both times my children were involved. Both dreams had awakened me with a start, leaving me feeling loss, fear, anxiety/panic, loss of control, and sadness. I logged these dreams in a journal hoping that I can make something of what I fear is yet to come.

For most of you that can't even fathom the idea of premonitions or psychic abilities, I understand and know what you are thinking. But this is something that I don't feel I need to prove to people anymore. You either believe me or you don't. Someday, we will all know the truth.

I don't always dream premonitions or dreams that I feel are a way of the universe connecting with me on some level. I have regular dreams, just like anyone else. But when I have these premonitions, it's different. The feelings are different, the energy is different, and most of all, my mood is drastically enhanced with whatever energy has emerged from this.

I am no expert on dreams. In fact it's probably something I should strongly research considering my situation. But I have a gut feeling that something is going to happen in my life. It doesn't necessarily mean that it's going to happen as it did in my dreams, it may not even be anything bad. But the universe is trying to tell me something. Since I am not able to see it conciously, I am being shown subconciously.

Who knows. Maybe nothing will happen and I will be proved wrong.

alive.

Alive.
Current mood: inspired

A million times over I thought you couldn't see. I was desolate, alone in this world of shit. This place rotting from it's very core, inside out. Nothing but madness sets the world ablaze.

I am frightened. Afraid of the dark place that resides inside of my heart. It haunts me every night, waiting patiently to overcome my body. Desire and dread, both plummeting my skull as my thoughts bounce from left brain to right.

I am drained.

But you found me.
You saw inside of my brain.
You shed light through the dark place inside of my heart.
You scared my fears away.

How do I thank you? Repay you for all you've done when you don't even know I'm alive?

You don't know that you've awoken me from a long, dark slumber filled with nightmares.

Once more, I live.

Swinging At Midnight.

Swinging At Midnight.

I am neutral. My opinons never matter, anyway. Why bother picking one side or another when I will surely be, once again, forced to proceed with whatever it is they want me to do?

I feel that somehow, somewhere deep inside of me, there is this amazing spirit. I have a gift that will help people. Ultimately, that is what I thrive to do- help. But a lost spirit is a playground for darkness. I've been swinging at midnight...

This wont make sense to you... and if it does, I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you have to feel the way that I do.

Facade.

Facade
Current mood: angsty

Against the prickly cotton of my shirt, the sun burns my flesh. My eyes sting and my breath is sour from the dirt that surrounds this place. Red dirt. I have nothing to gain by being here, but I don't care. I'd rather die alone in this desolate existance than in a room full of empty souls. I could lie here and await the desperate hawks circling above to come and pick at my fried brains or I could walk on, through the valley of the shadow of death and meet my maker face to face. I weigh my options and opt to walk on. Past the mine feilds, through the desert of despair. I lick my cracked, sunburned lips and a sticky breeze finds me with a tongue full of earth, brought upon by the devil himself. I find myself at a crossroad with no street signs. That's what happens in hell, there are no signs anywhere because you don't exist. I turn left and stagger on in the blistering heat. Sweat drips from my pours and down the middle of my breasts pooling in the front of my bra. I've never been closer to death and for the most part, I don't really care. I'm not afraid. I'm not bitter. In fact I feel nothing as I walk on into the utterly deceiving facade called life.

Yours.

I found you. Where were you hiding? You seem lost. Are you scared? It was so long. I know that now. I promise this time will be different. This time I will save you. I won't let you go. How can I? You were there for me. I was lost. Now it's your turn. Your turn to break. Your turn to hurt. Your turn to cry. Turn to me. Let me be the one. I want to be yours.

Happy Fucking Birthday.

i made it through another day.
you're still gone... but i'm ok.

fuck you.
happy birthday

3 weeks.

3 weeks
Current mood: numb

Three weeks and im still alive. It comes and goes in waves, not as strong as it used to. I guess the medicine is working. I don't trust doctors anymore. I told them for months that I felt that way. But it still happened, didn't it?

I'm embarrassed. Saddened. Ashamed.

I'm also incredibly sorry.

I'm still here. Three weeks and I'm still here.

I guess I'm not going anywhere.

Disturbia.

Disturbia.
Current mood: angry

Sometime's I just don't understand men and they way they think. I spent years making mistake after mistake, man after man, only to realize they are all the same.

I've recently come in contact with someone from my past. A total innocent friendship was had, and now he's telling his girlfriend, MY BEST FRIENDS MOM, that he fucked me. Why would someone say that? How fucking white trash are we? It makes me SICK to think that someone would say that about me. I am NOT that person. I'm NOT a whore. I am not someone that can be USED anymore to MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER.

You want to know WHY I'm so fucked up and think the way I do??? BECAUSE LIFE HAS SHOWN ME NOTHING BUT DISTURBIA!!!!

TO ALL THE MEN OUT THERE: FUCK OFF!!!!!!!

I'm too fragile for this.

This makes me want to never wear make-up again. Never do my hair. Never take a shower. Never shave. Only wear clothes that are 3x too big for me. Never leave the house. Never talk to anyone.

You may think I'm being overdramatic and that is FINE. But this year has been the WORST FUCKING YEAR ever and I seriously CAN NOT take anymore. THIS is the straw and I AM THE CAMELS BACK.

SO THINK WHAT YOU WANT, DO WHAT YOU WILL. IM WRITING THIS BECAUSE ITS THE ONLY FUCKING THING THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME ANYMORE. WRITING IS THE ONE THING THAT NEVER HURT ME.

I am forever a pessimist and will no longer give a FUCK about what ANYONE thinks.

i am ok.

i am ok.
Current mood: determined

You can't use me anymore.
I am worth so much more than that.
I will stand my ground this time.
Say what you want,
Your words can't hurt me.
Think what you want,
Your thoughts don't scare me.
I am ready to fight this time.
No more excuses.
No more innocense lost.
I am not a victim anymore.
I am powerful,
Beautiful,
Smart,
And I will make it.
I am going to be ok.
I am ok.
I am.

Waterfalls.

Waterfalls.
Current mood: triumphant

"Don't go chasin waterfalls. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you're used too."- TLC

I don't know a single person that doesn't know that line to that song. I always thought that it was just a hook, a meaningless meaning to a meaningless song. But today, I have realized that my waterfalls are unchasable. It doesn't want to be chased, maybe never even found.

I can't chase the waterfalls anymore. And although i'm not going to stick to what i'm used to, i'm going to find a happy balance in between the two.

I will miss the waterfalls, for it is soothing.

But I love Cherry Blossoms more.